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Jun 17, 2012

Father's day and a eulogy that can't be written

It's not really easy to cope up with a sudden event that abruptly forces you to stop using a particular word from your vocabulary. ''Dad, appa, and pa'' words which used to come out with every breath, now feels new and I rarely use it while I converse. A year it will be very soon and it has passed by, as if those few days were just an aberration in our lives. We've been living as if the particular segment of our memory has just been wiped out just like in Men-In-Black. But then, they probably haven't made them of the kind which can erase memories from the heart. Father's day never felt so hapless.

During my growing years whenever I witnessed days with some tension, like an agitation, bandh or something that would have some violence, I used to dream that dad wouldn't come back home get nightmares that dad wouldn't come back home. Thick skinned that i was, always used to wake out of it, slap myself and go back to sleep thinking the slap would take care of it. I have been trying to slap the daylights out of me and make myself believe that what has happened, hasn't really happened. It's a different thing altogether that neither have i been able to slap myself nor make myself believe of anything. Somebody please shake me out of this nightmare of a slumber that won't let me sleep. This has gone on for way too long.

An year normally enough to change the course in a person's life, has done so to mine in just a fortnight. When i was wading through all of this, i did think that spending some time away from writing might help me gather my mental space and one day i'll write my dad's eulogy.

That now, I know will not happen, not after a part of  me has also vanished with him. While I hope, I still will some day in my life pen a proper prose, all i can only think of right now is ''Pa, wherever you maybe, please guide me and I'll take care of everything here like you would. Or I'll at least try!" 

Credits of the video and the sketch go to my sister.


Shubs said...

No compensation can be made, no words can match the loss..but please be assured..he is safe, sound and watching you from above..whenever you get struck in life, always think what he would want you to do if he was here..M sure he has his own ways of guiding you..M also sure you will rock in life Sanjay!!

Vidya Vasuki said...

Sanja. I can imagine your loss lingering on for months after he is gone, and I do not think you will ever not feel the loss. But I do also know that Doddappa has taught you to be strong and responsible. I miss Doddappa, and miss being with you.

boeuff said...

Nice video, brought back a lot of memories.
It feels like it was yesterday that your father and Madhu were playing table tennis on the dining table in the old house in Mysore.
I don't think one can ever get over the fact that neither are there today,
Enen after so many years, sometimes I feel I can just telephone Madhu.

Sanjay Srivatsan said...

Am sure he is Subha. Cant thank you enough for being thr.

Sanjay Srivatsan said...

Good you have better memories of them. Wonder how nikhil and garud might've taken it, knowing how it can be.

Sanjay Srivatsan said...

If only being strong was as easy as feeling strong. Miss you too vid, keep telling stuff about sanju Maama to dear pragnya. I'll atleast not be strange to her :)

Ramya Madan Mohan said...

Time is the healer Sanjay! I have been in this phase... Sometimes I feel so insane about the fact that we can still survive without our loved ones not being around us :(
Life will go on, no matter what!
I hope you are able to cope with the loss and come out of the sorrow...
Your Father has left behind the lights of love and affection, spread it!
Take care!

Faith Barron said...

It is a good video and it clearly shows how much you love your father.

create a will online

Sanjay Srivatsan said...

@faith Barron, Thank you for stopping by :)

Sanjay Srivatsan said...

@Ramya, True that. Hope I can live up to his ideals.