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Oct 6, 2011

Reminiscing those last few days

4th July

This might be the American independence day, but this day has nothing but bad news for us. He has developed spasms on both sides of the brain. Doctors have said further deterioration could be life-threatening. Apparently happens due to inadequate blood supply to the areas of the brain. I sought a second opinion with the neurosurgeon from Manipal Hospital. He only talked about probable impact if he recovers from this stage. He said it could impact speech, movements or other such functions without ruling the fact of danger to life. All I can do at this point of time God, is to use these words you've given me, to pray!!!
"Dear Lord Almighty, it's times like these that he has brought us up to face. I do understand this is a test you wish to put us through. I've been fighting all sorts of negative thoughts and tried to remain positive. You probably know this is still not the time for him. Please give him the strength and the lease of life. We need him to guide us a little longer. We are not ready yet to imagine a world without him. Please dear Lord, Save him"
5th June

Its 10 in the night and the lights at the waiting room outside the ICU have just been turned off. Can't tell you the stream of emotions I've been going through. It's dark, really dark. Every thought, every moment out of the ICU seems to bring some bad/unpleasant news or so I anticipate. His BP, I've been told has gone down a little now. They've increased the medication to bring it back. They are pumping in the adrenalin. All the prayers and wishes I hope will lead in some kind of his miraculous recovery. Staying positive is not an option, its the only choice I've got.
"ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೇ 
ಮುಸುಕಿದೀ ಮಬ್ಬಿನಲ್ಲಿ 
ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು"
6th June

The feeling is not good. It's that of what I'll be losing. I can't number it, too many, I can't. I'm very closely structured to him. Lot of similarities and lot of differences. Where will i miss him the most? Everywhere. He was my investment planner to my marriage maker, my joker, my friend, my dad, my pa. Doctors have said he is deteriorating on all counts. His brain is responding only 20% and his BP is been supported by multiple drugs, can't see him suffer. I can't. This loss will be unbearable dear God. Please give us the the strength and courage required.

I wrote the above logs not now, but when i was waiting in the darkness of the well lit waiting place outside the ICU room. And for the record the dates in the above log had to be 4th, 5th and 6th of July. Like you may notice draining of emotions does horrible things to the brain and it's yet to leave me. There is a numbness that has gotten stuck to me and no... its not comfortable. Like you may also notice... the sense of humor has taken a beating too. Thoughts don't flow into words like earlier, mind seems pre-occupied with a whole lot of nothing. 

Tomorrow, 7th October it'll will be 3 months since I've lost my Dad. Looking back at it now, can't fathom how it has passed by. It all started on that fateful Wednesday, 22nd of June when he met with an accident on his way to work. He left us assuming the role he played the best, a man who worked selflessly for the betterment of his family and the people around him. A self made man... that's what my dad was. 

Love you dad. Regret not saying this enough to you.