Father's day and a eulogy that can't be written

It's not really easy to cope up with a sudden event that abruptly forces you to stop using a particular word from your vocabulary. ''Dad, appa, and pa'' words which used to come out with every breath, now feels new and I rarely use it while I converse. A year it will be very soon and it has passed by, as if those few days were just an aberration in our lives. We've been living as if the particular segment of our memory has just been wiped out just like in Men-In-Black. But then, they probably haven't made them of the kind which can erase memories from the heart. Father's day never felt so hapless.

During my growing years whenever I witnessed days with some tension, like an agitation, bandh or something that would have some violence, I used to dream that dad wouldn't come back home get nightmares that dad wouldn't come back home. Thick skinned that i was, always used to wake out of it, slap myself and go back to sleep thinking the slap would take care of it. I have been trying to slap the daylights out of me and make myself believe that what has happened, hasn't really happened. It's a different thing altogether that neither have i been able to slap myself nor make myself believe of anything. Somebody please shake me out of this nightmare of a slumber that won't let me sleep. This has gone on for way too long.

An year normally enough to change the course in a person's life, has done so to mine in just a fortnight. When i was wading through all of this, i did think that spending some time away from writing might help me gather my mental space and one day i'll write my dad's eulogy.

That now, I know will not happen, not after a part of  me has also vanished with him. While I hope, I still will some day in my life pen a proper prose, all i can only think of right now is ''Pa, wherever you maybe, please guide me and I'll take care of everything here like you would. Or I'll at least try!" 

Credits of the video and the sketch go to my sister.