A year that shouldn't have been

2011 was an year of dichotomy of emotions for me. An year that brought me together with my 91' Royal enfield and fiat Palio-my first car, A promotion at work. Unfortunately had the latter 2 come any earlier, it would've had a totally different significance.

Be that as it may, 2011 is an year that has basically been before June22nd-July 7th. World was still a beautiful rosy place with everything to look upto, when June 22nd brought a turmoil in the form of an accident that snatched away a pillar of my strength, my dad! 16 days of my life was spent sheer helplessness against HIS will. All I could do then was to pray, pray and finally ask GOD to have mercy on dad. Looks like God sought the easier way to do so and took him away. 6 months hence, I understand what it means to go into an absolute mute mode. A shell I'm now trying to break away from. 

Will I, won't I ? 

Honestly, I don't know and don't bother any longer. All I want to do now is to be the best son to my mom and a responsible brother to my sister. 

It's not about me anymore. Is it?

ಮಸಣ ಯಾತನೆ ಬಂದಿದೆ

ಮಾಸದೊಂದು ನೆನಪನೀಡಿ, ಕೈಯ ತೊರೆದು ಹೋದೆನಿ,
ಏಕೆ ಹೇಗೆ ಎಂತು ಕೇಳಲಾಗದೆ ಬೀಳ್ಕೊಟ್ಟೆವು.
ಕಣ್ಣಮುಂದೆ ಕಾಣೆಯಾಗಿ, ಕನಸುಗಳಲಿ ಬಂದಿಹೆ,
ಕಣ್ಣ ಹನಿಗಳಿಂದು ಸುರಿಸಲಾಗದೆ ಬತ್ತಿದೆ, 
ಕನಸುಗಳಿದ್ದ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳಲಿ ಮಸಣ ಯಾತನೆ ಬಂದಿದೆ, ಮಸಣ ಯಾತನೆ ಬಂದಿದೆ!!!

That was so little time...

Just less than a year since you retired from an organization that you served for 40 years, and HE thought you were all done. With those wheels to take you around, You hardly took a break, you had hardly retired.

The only question I have and will continue to have despite any number of answers...

WHY?

Baby's wedding

Baby wedding, a set on Flickr.

Some pics taken during my dear friend Baby's wedding (also sparingly known as Sharath) , married his sweetheart Manasa, in a joyous ceremony in Sullya, very close to Coorg and not so far from Mangalore.

They say in India, a wedding is never complete without its elements, and this one sure did have every single one of them. But the best part of weddings are I guess, at the end it all works out and beautifully. These unprofessional pics, are but a small proof of evidence of the joys and happiness that the new couple are going to find for themselves.

Wishing you a blissfully wedded life ahead guys.

Cheers.
Sanju

Reminiscing those last few days

4th July

This might be the American independence day, but this day has nothing but bad news for us. He has developed spasms on both sides of the brain. Doctors have said further deterioration could be life-threatening. Apparently happens due to inadequate blood supply to the areas of the brain. I sought a second opinion with the neurosurgeon from Manipal Hospital. He only talked about probable impact if he recovers from this stage. He said it could impact speech, movements or other such functions without ruling the fact of danger to life. All I can do at this point of time God, is to use these words you've given me, to pray!!!

"Dear Lord Almighty, it's times like these that he has brought us up to face. I do understand this is a test you wish to put us through. I've been fighting all sorts of negative thoughts and tried to remain positive. You probably know this is still not the time for him. Please give him the strength and the lease of life. We need him to guide us a little longer. We are not ready yet to imagine a world without him. Please dear Lord, Save him"

5th June

Its 10 in the night and the lights at the waiting room outside the ICU have just been turned off. Can't tell you the stream of emotions I've been going through. It's dark, really dark. Every thought, every moment out of the ICU seems to bring some bad/unpleasant news or so I anticipate. His BP, I've been told has gone down a little now. They've increased the medication to bring it back. They are pumping in the adrenalin. All the prayers and wishes I hope will lead in some kind of his miraculous recovery. Staying positive is not an option, its the only choice I've got.

"ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೇ 

ಮುಸುಕಿದೀ ಮಬ್ಬಿನಲ್ಲಿ 

ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು"

6th June

The feeling is not good. It's that of what I'll be losing. I can't number it, too many, I can't. I'm very closely structured to him. Lot of similarities and lot of differences. Where will i miss him the most? Everywhere. He was my investment planner to my marriage maker, my joker, my friend, my dad, my pa. Doctors have said he is deteriorating on all counts. His brain is responding only 20% and his BP is been supported by multiple drugs, can't see him suffer. I can't. This loss will be unbearable dear God. Please give us the the strength and courage required.

I wrote the above logs not now, but when i was waiting in the darkness of the well lit waiting place outside the ICU room. And for the record the dates in the above log had to be 4th, 5th and 6th of July. Like you may notice draining of emotions does horrible things to the brain and it's yet to leave me. There is a numbness that has gotten stuck to me and no... its not comfortable. Like you may also notice... the sense of humor has taken a beating too. Thoughts don't flow into words like earlier, mind seems pre-occupied with a whole lot of nothing. 

Tomorrow, 7th October it'll will be 3 months since I've lost my Dad. Looking back at it now, can't fathom how it has passed by. It all started on that fateful Wednesday, 22nd of June when he met with an accident on his way to work. He left us assuming the role he played the best, a man who worked selflessly for the betterment of his family and the people around him. A self made man... that's what my dad was. 

Love you dad. Regret not saying this enough to you.

Can we really change

When was the last time you felt that feeling of absolute hatred?

In the past couple of months, I've experienced it and let me tell you its not really a pleasant feeling. Surely not, when someone has gone through what i have been through. 16 dreadful days of my life bereaved me of my dad, my guiding force, my everything. I was in a zombie like condition, just trying to go through the motions. Such times like I've realized are phenomenally transformational. Like you can imagine the responsibilities increase multi fold and life suddenly starts seeming like one long struggle. No shelter can ever be as secure as one a father provides. Enough said!

Coming back to why I brought up this topic, never until now had I actually faced corruption or rather should I say been affected by it. I approached the BBMP authorities for my dad's death certificate and was told it would cost a certain amount for 5 initial true copies for which I paid the stipulated amount. On the day they asked me to come back to collect them, i applied for 10 more additional copies costing Rs.10/copy. I was asked for Rs.220 instead of the Rs.100. At the moment I didn't understand the calculation and paid the amount I was demanded for. They'd asked me to come back half an hour later to collect the additional copies. I walked away and set out for another task that I'd planned for the day, thinking all through only about this incident. Quickly i finished that and went back to BBMP and saw that my additional copies had been ready. In normal situation I might've taken the copies and walked away, this time i did not. I asked the question that was irking me all through.

Me: Madam, prati copy gu eppatteradu rupaayigala? (does each copy cost Rs.22?)

Her: Ehehe.. first copyGe maatra Rs.50, mikkidakke Rs.10 per copy( First one costing Rs.50 and the subsequent one Rs.10 per copy)

Me: Matte, Rs.220 yaake?(Then, why charge Rs.220)

Her: Eheehe... adu adu(The expression when you can't say anything)

All of this while the notice board clearly mentioned that they shouldn't charge more than Rs.10 per additional true copy. The audacity of her that she actually said, please take back the change and that too, grinning drove me nuts. The gravity of the situation somehow gave me the patience, and completely disgusted I departed from the place. 

Such insensitivity and yet we don't do anything or just turn a blind indifferent eye towards what is happening around us. I was speaking to my aunt and she told me that my uncle had to pay a bribe to get our file moving for getting a succession certificate done at the local Tashildar's office, it just rubbed in badly and I don't think I'll ever be indifferent again.

At the Freedom Park, Bangalore

While the mood of the whole nation seems to be brewing up against corruption, it was imperative to know what and why do people of India want 'JAN-LOKPAL', which I managed to do today by visiting the freedom park, the epicenter of the crusade against corruption.

Even though this is not really enough for me to say If I really want 'JAN-LOKPAL' or not, I'm surely, awakened towards the rampant illness that's besieged us. 

CORRUPTION!!!

Maybe Bakwaas but not untrue

अर्र्ज़ किया है.....

वोल्वो, मत आना मेरे  पीछे  यूह  चुप  चुप  के, साए  की  तरह!
डर लगता है, जी घबराता है , डर लगता है, जी घबराता है!

लगने लगता है की, कही ये मेरा दिल तो नहीं,
जो आज कल साथ में नहीं रहता मेरे!

बस इतना याद रखना, की तुम किसी के अमानात को साथ ला रहे हो अपने,
जिसके पास दिल पड़ा है गिरवी अपना!

वोल्वो, मत आना मेरे  पीछे  यूह  चुप  चुप  के, साए  की  तरह!

डर लगता है, जी घबराता है , डर लगता है, जी घबराता है!

(Inspired by the volvo buses that comes menacingly close to the motorists on the roads of Bangalore)

Summer of 2011

Its the last day of April, or just as i realize its May day. And for a while its been crawling on my mind how the summer has been this year. 

We've had some amazing turn of events and the biggest one of them all is we've won the World cup. And thanks to that I've been spared of writing about it how the Indian team always fails to live up to the expectations. But then, thanks to our Men in Blue, from 2nd of April, 2011, they've raised the bar of expectations for themselves.

Every world cup there is a new thing that we find is being talked about. While in the previous editions it was something within the game, this world cup I'll always remember for the way I watched it. "Tweeting" !!!

I had never imagined I would be commentating live on the state of a match with a person sitting thousands of miles away. This was something we always did during the post-mortem of the match. The howling, screaming and shouting of course was very integral of the match watching experience, but emoting in 140 characters is something I'm now pretty warmed up to. This has completely changed the way I while my time with cricket now. Atleast I don't feel guilty of not doing anything during a match. Not that I can remember what it used to be like to watch 5 days of it.

Hmm, so back to the 'summer'. Though it might have appeared in a lot of my recent posts/rants/ramblings I'm still very much hung-over with it. I now own a Royal Enfield. Man I can't get over it :). I'm so thrilled about this new relationship.

And on a personal note, I've taken a real liking to running. It all started during my ten day stint at Pune. The apartment where the guest house was situated was bloody brilliant. It had so much space that running was a joy there. All the years spent in the gym sure has given me mass enough to make running a challenging endeavor. Just like how working out can be a vent to the mundaneness of life, running gives me the satisfaction. And by the way I have a marathon coming up! I'm running yet again with team EY.

I'm counting this summer to open up a lot of avenues for me and of course everyone of you.  Until then, stay sunny!!! 

Two-Wheeler chronicles

Whats that one amazing possession at an age of 19-20 yrs? For kids of these days it those flashy gizmo's, your apple iPhone, iTouch, you touch and what not !!! I know I'm sounding old, just making it sound so ;). Not very long ago for us it used to be graduation from a bicycle to a two wheeler. Looking back at the first time I ever rode on a two wheeler which was a TVS 50 brought by a painter while on work at our house. That day i remember riding like a prince with the air gently caressing my face, with all daughters of my neighborhood aunties overlooking. I must have been 4th or 5th, but that was when I felt the essence of growing up.

Sis started early on the 'Enfield-Explorer'

My dad was a proud owner of a suave looking Enfield explorer since 1985 which he had until 2003, and apart from sitting on it when dad used to ferry all the four of us around and fantasy riding it, naming it 'Sanjuna' hadn't done much with it. This was until 7th standard, when i had this fetish to sit on it sans the key and push the bike around. Thanks to Bangalore's roads, burnt a lot of calories pushing it back up to balance it on the road downwards. Then one day dad forgot the key and that day it happened. I pushed it around like always and then suddenly saw the ignition key. And the rest like you can imagine, i kick started and set the explorer in motion on the first gear, and it remained in first gear that day to be honest. That was the moment which turned the schoolboy into a dreamy youth.


Next three years of our stay in Dandeli gave me some of the amazing memories that I could only dream of in Bangalore. An accessibility to the jungles anytime i wished, a town with no traffic police and fewer main roads, could i ask for anything else?? It was time to zoom. 49.5 cc seemed awesome in those days. Soon, it was time for us to shift back to Bangalore and the city that is made us realize we'd suddenly grown up now to be too big for the explorer that once ferried four of us. What a bike it was! I think for the India then, which was more into Bajaj Chetak, this bike was an affordable option. And then one fine day as i grew older, so did it and just like that, it was gone.


Talking about Bajaj Chetak, during 12th my uncle's scooter came to me because he moved out of the country. Cant recollect the no. of times I've made it lie down on the road when there was no fuel and then that one quick kick start to get it going. "Welcome to college days"", I'd said to myself and before i could realize, the passion of possessing a bike again, proved too much pressure for my dad to withstand. That was when he got me a TVS Victor. Nothing beats the freedom you have with a bike at your disposal. Freedom and all by the way is secondary. More important then were the reasons like the daily trips to the dhaba, national park or the coffee shop around the corner. OK, alright! I agree the most important of all was to impress the girls. Can't remember how many firsts it was with my Victor.


While I am usually not very emotional, somehow the feeling was a little confusing. No feeling of loss though, while signing the handover forms, I was blank. All i could muster asking the new buyer was, "Can i take her for a last ride"?


Thinking about it, isn't it actually like breaking up with somebody for no reason? Only, make sure you have a reason as good as mine.

Royal Enfield!!!

iReview - The kings speech

The biggest takeaway for me from this flick was the most sensitive way in which the topic of public speaking is dealt.

A problem such as this that many face very early in life, has been picturized with such simplicity and élan that it's difficult not to empathize with Colin fareth's position, especially if s/he knows what it means to fumble in front of a large gathering, let alone stammer like the protagonist.

The speech therapist tells the protagonist how important it is to practice and not worry of failure. Come to think of it the king didn't have a choice to fail, neither does the commoner, but then multiple efforts are luxury kings can't afford. Nothing beats practice, it builds self confidence.

In all there is something very engrossing about period English drama, don't miss it.

Cheers
Sanju

Human Chemistry

Dear Blog,

How have you been? I know I haven't written to you in a while. In these days word and excel documents seem to take everything out of me, and I am left high and dry even for words, let alone a few sentences.

Recently blog, I read 'Dork' by Sidin Vadukut and I am impressed by his easy-on-the-eyes style of writing and lucid storytelling. So don't be surprised if you find the style of this prose to be a little unnatural here, atleast i can imitate the style of writing :)

During last September/October, a close friend suddenly shocked us with the news that he was going to go to a completely different profession altogether. Though the news came with a certain shock value, it was a very pleasant shock and we were all really happy for him, almost all. I say almost all because each one of us construed the situation differently. Now my point of bringing this here blog, is to ponder on the fact that no matter how close a group of friends are, and for however long the duration be, it is the chemistry amongst all of them that makes the group work(group dynamics). And this is not something you'd see often, such behavior comes out in exceptional situations. 

For instance a friend took it too seriously got miffed and took a little time to come to terms with the facts, his whole contention was that such a thing need not have been kept a secret from us which this friend had done. But then, I have one thing to say to both, there will be times when you should share a bit of one's life, because who better to have than a friend who even though might mock, but will hear you with utmost seriousness ultimately. And there will be times, when not much of everything can be shared, need to respect and appreciate the situation.This blog, i call sensing the sensitivity in a situation.

Guess it also just human behavior to keep something very discrete which is very close to heart. This blog, I shall not talk about since I am not too good at it and sometimes, I consider myself a hopeless romantic when it comes the matters of heart. I have a heart and mind that opens out at every given opportunity like it just did now. Our group formed, normed, performed and will continue performing forever.


We don't often acknowledge the fact, but the best of who we are is largely determined by our friends. Proud to have such company.

Trusting in Chemistry, Amen !!!

Waiting for her Prince of Arabia - Hanidi

After a long and patient wait to come up with words for this picture, I clicked during my recent trip to the UAE, I give up!!! Because I realized that after all

"A picture is worth a thousand words"