Reminiscing those last few days

4th July

This might be the American independence day, but this day has nothing but bad news for us. He has developed spasms on both sides of the brain. Doctors have said further deterioration could be life-threatening. Apparently happens due to inadequate blood supply to the areas of the brain. I sought a second opinion with the neurosurgeon from Manipal Hospital. He only talked about probable impact if he recovers from this stage. He said it could impact speech, movements or other such functions without ruling the fact of danger to life. All I can do at this point of time God, is to use these words you've given me, to pray!!!

"Dear Lord Almighty, it's times like these that he has brought us up to face. I do understand this is a test you wish to put us through. I've been fighting all sorts of negative thoughts and tried to remain positive. You probably know this is still not the time for him. Please give him the strength and the lease of life. We need him to guide us a little longer. We are not ready yet to imagine a world without him. Please dear Lord, Save him"

5th June

Its 10 in the night and the lights at the waiting room outside the ICU have just been turned off. Can't tell you the stream of emotions I've been going through. It's dark, really dark. Every thought, every moment out of the ICU seems to bring some bad/unpleasant news or so I anticipate. His BP, I've been told has gone down a little now. They've increased the medication to bring it back. They are pumping in the adrenalin. All the prayers and wishes I hope will lead in some kind of his miraculous recovery. Staying positive is not an option, its the only choice I've got.

"ಕರುಣಾಳು ಬಾ ಬೆಳಕೇ 

ಮುಸುಕಿದೀ ಮಬ್ಬಿನಲ್ಲಿ 

ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು ನಡೆಸೆನ್ನನು"

6th June

The feeling is not good. It's that of what I'll be losing. I can't number it, too many, I can't. I'm very closely structured to him. Lot of similarities and lot of differences. Where will i miss him the most? Everywhere. He was my investment planner to my marriage maker, my joker, my friend, my dad, my pa. Doctors have said he is deteriorating on all counts. His brain is responding only 20% and his BP is been supported by multiple drugs, can't see him suffer. I can't. This loss will be unbearable dear God. Please give us the the strength and courage required.

I wrote the above logs not now, but when i was waiting in the darkness of the well lit waiting place outside the ICU room. And for the record the dates in the above log had to be 4th, 5th and 6th of July. Like you may notice draining of emotions does horrible things to the brain and it's yet to leave me. There is a numbness that has gotten stuck to me and no... its not comfortable. Like you may also notice... the sense of humor has taken a beating too. Thoughts don't flow into words like earlier, mind seems pre-occupied with a whole lot of nothing. 

Tomorrow, 7th October it'll will be 3 months since I've lost my Dad. Looking back at it now, can't fathom how it has passed by. It all started on that fateful Wednesday, 22nd of June when he met with an accident on his way to work. He left us assuming the role he played the best, a man who worked selflessly for the betterment of his family and the people around him. A self made man... that's what my dad was. 

Love you dad. Regret not saying this enough to you.

Can we really change

When was the last time you felt that feeling of absolute hatred?

In the past couple of months, I've experienced it and let me tell you its not really a pleasant feeling. Surely not, when someone has gone through what i have been through. 16 dreadful days of my life bereaved me of my dad, my guiding force, my everything. I was in a zombie like condition, just trying to go through the motions. Such times like I've realized are phenomenally transformational. Like you can imagine the responsibilities increase multi fold and life suddenly starts seeming like one long struggle. No shelter can ever be as secure as one a father provides. Enough said!

Coming back to why I brought up this topic, never until now had I actually faced corruption or rather should I say been affected by it. I approached the BBMP authorities for my dad's death certificate and was told it would cost a certain amount for 5 initial true copies for which I paid the stipulated amount. On the day they asked me to come back to collect them, i applied for 10 more additional copies costing Rs.10/copy. I was asked for Rs.220 instead of the Rs.100. At the moment I didn't understand the calculation and paid the amount I was demanded for. They'd asked me to come back half an hour later to collect the additional copies. I walked away and set out for another task that I'd planned for the day, thinking all through only about this incident. Quickly i finished that and went back to BBMP and saw that my additional copies had been ready. In normal situation I might've taken the copies and walked away, this time i did not. I asked the question that was irking me all through.

Me: Madam, prati copy gu eppatteradu rupaayigala? (does each copy cost Rs.22?)

Her: Ehehe.. first copyGe maatra Rs.50, mikkidakke Rs.10 per copy( First one costing Rs.50 and the subsequent one Rs.10 per copy)

Me: Matte, Rs.220 yaake?(Then, why charge Rs.220)

Her: Eheehe... adu adu(The expression when you can't say anything)

All of this while the notice board clearly mentioned that they shouldn't charge more than Rs.10 per additional true copy. The audacity of her that she actually said, please take back the change and that too, grinning drove me nuts. The gravity of the situation somehow gave me the patience, and completely disgusted I departed from the place. 

Such insensitivity and yet we don't do anything or just turn a blind indifferent eye towards what is happening around us. I was speaking to my aunt and she told me that my uncle had to pay a bribe to get our file moving for getting a succession certificate done at the local Tashildar's office, it just rubbed in badly and I don't think I'll ever be indifferent again.

At the Freedom Park, Bangalore

While the mood of the whole nation seems to be brewing up against corruption, it was imperative to know what and why do people of India want 'JAN-LOKPAL', which I managed to do today by visiting the freedom park, the epicenter of the crusade against corruption.

Even though this is not really enough for me to say If I really want 'JAN-LOKPAL' or not, I'm surely, awakened towards the rampant illness that's besieged us. 

CORRUPTION!!!

Maybe Bakwaas but not untrue

अर्र्ज़ किया है.....

वोल्वो, मत आना मेरे  पीछे  यूह  चुप  चुप  के, साए  की  तरह!
डर लगता है, जी घबराता है , डर लगता है, जी घबराता है!

लगने लगता है की, कही ये मेरा दिल तो नहीं,
जो आज कल साथ में नहीं रहता मेरे!

बस इतना याद रखना, की तुम किसी के अमानात को साथ ला रहे हो अपने,
जिसके पास दिल पड़ा है गिरवी अपना!

वोल्वो, मत आना मेरे  पीछे  यूह  चुप  चुप  के, साए  की  तरह!

डर लगता है, जी घबराता है , डर लगता है, जी घबराता है!

(Inspired by the volvo buses that comes menacingly close to the motorists on the roads of Bangalore)

Summer of 2011

Its the last day of April, or just as i realize its May day. And for a while its been crawling on my mind how the summer has been this year. 

We've had some amazing turn of events and the biggest one of them all is we've won the World cup. And thanks to that I've been spared of writing about it how the Indian team always fails to live up to the expectations. But then, thanks to our Men in Blue, from 2nd of April, 2011, they've raised the bar of expectations for themselves.

Every world cup there is a new thing that we find is being talked about. While in the previous editions it was something within the game, this world cup I'll always remember for the way I watched it. "Tweeting" !!!

I had never imagined I would be commentating live on the state of a match with a person sitting thousands of miles away. This was something we always did during the post-mortem of the match. The howling, screaming and shouting of course was very integral of the match watching experience, but emoting in 140 characters is something I'm now pretty warmed up to. This has completely changed the way I while my time with cricket now. Atleast I don't feel guilty of not doing anything during a match. Not that I can remember what it used to be like to watch 5 days of it.

Hmm, so back to the 'summer'. Though it might have appeared in a lot of my recent posts/rants/ramblings I'm still very much hung-over with it. I now own a Royal Enfield. Man I can't get over it :). I'm so thrilled about this new relationship.

And on a personal note, I've taken a real liking to running. It all started during my ten day stint at Pune. The apartment where the guest house was situated was bloody brilliant. It had so much space that running was a joy there. All the years spent in the gym sure has given me mass enough to make running a challenging endeavor. Just like how working out can be a vent to the mundaneness of life, running gives me the satisfaction. And by the way I have a marathon coming up! I'm running yet again with team EY.

I'm counting this summer to open up a lot of avenues for me and of course everyone of you.  Until then, stay sunny!!!